Writing sex scenes can be weird

 

    Earlier this morning I came across a post in one of my writing groups. The person seemed almost shy when they asked for advice on writing s*x. They couldn't even write the word sex. They may have censored it because of FB police. But I think it had more to do with the fact that speaking openly about sex is still a bit Taboo.

    We're not as bad as we used to be when it comes to sex and passion, but it is still a sticky subject when it comes to publicly speaking about it. It's more likely that you'll be exposed to Gore and other graphic content then you will be to extreme romance (if you will).

    Which does seem strange to me. I can see a person get eviscerated on a tv show but don't you dare give me the vapors by showing me carnal passion. lol

        As far as writing it you have to get the physical stuff right first. One author friend of mine used her daughters barbies to see if a sex position could be logical. Other's use modeling dolls or software to ensure they are accurate.  I mean, it'll take you right out of the story if the guys penis is at a 90 degree angle and goes around corners. Or if the girl has shelf booty and the guy is trying spooning.

    After you handle the physics of sex, you have to get in touch with the emotional aspect of their love making. You have to remember or imagine that vulnerability and overwhelming sensory overload as well as the psychological ramifications. Sounds simple, right?

    Yes and no. For a while,  when I was beginning my writing career,  my children were small and very needy. My cats were also forcefully lovey and don't give a damn if you want/have to write. During that time, feeling sexy or romantic is hard both in fiction and in real life. I would start to get in the rhythm of writing a tender, erotic scene and the kiddos would fight or get hurt or need food/drink/diaper change. And that would yank me right out of the moment as fast as if someone threw ice water on me in the middle of coitus.  Or the cats would jump onto my computer typing their version of Old McDonalds E-I-E-I-Oooooooooo...

    And even if I was lucky enough to be able to write while the kids occupied themselves or were napping in the middle of the day, I had a vague sense of wrongness to it. Like I was watching porn out in the open in the light of day with the sound up and the doors and windows open. I wasn't but I was so immersed in the scene that I could touch, taste, smell, feel and see the sweat glistening on skin as my lovers whispered sweet nothings to the music of their love making. When I was done, I would glance up startled to see my messy cluttered living room and the tv on a rerun of some sitcom. The fire lit dimness of my mind slowly vanishing to the realism of the day. 

    Most times, I ran around like a crazy person and had no time during the day. I was a full time college student at that time as well and had to write so many dry, logical, APA critical research papers. By the time I slogged through those my Muse was sickly and weak.

    My best time during those hectic earlier days was at night. When the lights were low, the kids and cats were asleep and the house  was blissfully silent. I would finish up my "logical" school stuff and then settle in to write my stories. Many nights I sacrificed sleep just to get those uninterrupted moments in. But, in the dark solitude, I was able to revive my muse and fully pour myself into the sex scenes and with it being dark, it seemed a little more natural and a little wicked instead of out right lecherous. When I came out of my writing daze the night seemed to embrace me and leave me feeling like I'd created something beautiful instead of adolescent directed porn. 

    And as a side note. I read some books from other authors on how to write sex scenes. I read blogs and listened to podcasts. And I had my husband write some of the books from the male's perspective because he knows better than I how things feel physically and emotionally. That's one of the reasons we created Heather Geoffires because having both sides seems to make it more realistic.(For any of you that have read how men write women and how some women write men honestly, you know what I'm talking about.)

    Anyway. Writing sex scenes can be difficult and weird. These are some random thoughts I had this early morning.

    How do you feel about writing sex. What about when you read it? Any advice?

Day 5. Why do teens and young adults feel the need to find " True Love" Asap?

 

    I am not writing this blog to answer that question. I honestly don't know the answers. What this is is more of a reflection brought on by some conversations with my daughters. 

    One of my daughters is going to be 14yrs old soon. She occasionally thinks a boy looks cute but that's about it. I have talked to both my daughters about how I didn't really care what their preference was in a mate, but that I wanted them to not get too serious about any relationships until they are at least out of high-school.  I know that some highschool sweethearts stay together but overall the chances are slim. Most young passionate relationships burn hot and then burn out. And that is including a lot of young adult relationships. Attraction, passion and desire are the main forces driving the relationship until the "Honeymoon period" (6mo-1 yr) is over and the relationship has no foundation and crumbles.

    So both my girls plan to be cautious and focus on their lives mostly for a bit. That doesn't mean that they may not date, but I hope that it means that they took my words to heart and will proceed slowly. Both say that they want to find a best friend and partner to enjoy hobbies with. And that sounds good. I hope they stick to that.

    Now my 14 yr old has a close friend who is looking for love. She has already "dated" some boys (thankfully innocently with chaperoning parents or at school get-togethers) And had a toxic boyfriend for a year, where they broke up and got back together again and again. The reason she gave my daughter was that "He was her last chance at love" Mind you, this was last year when they were in 7th grade. 

...

    I mean, What the hell! Dude. You have your whole life ahead of you. You have more options out there in the world than in that one middle-school pond.  Why is she so desperately seeking a big romance at her age?

    I also had a young coworker who was around 20yrs old and she was afraid of becoming an old maid. She hadn't had "Love" in over a year. Her friends were dating left and right but she was alone and probably would be  forever, so she said. And I looked at this pretty (Young) girl and thought; there is no expiration date. There are people in the 80s getting married. You are so young and you have so many years. Enjoy being with you and worry about the rest later.

    Then I remembered being between my daughters' ages and my coworkers age. And even a little beyond that and remembered what I felt like back then. At 14 I was boy crazy. By sixteen I dated guys that were no good, but I was overweight and had self-esteem issues so I was happy any guy liked me. 

    When I was an "adult" 18+. I felt lonely. It seemed everyone had someone that loved them. I was surrounded by friends and family in committed relationships. And I often felt like a third wheel. I also felt unwanted. I remember thinking that I was going to give up on love and just become an crazy cat lady. And I vaguely wished I were attracted to women because being with guys seemed impossible. I felt like an Old maid at 22 and still single.

    I was lucky that when I found my mate later that year, he and I became best friends and partners. We enjoyed all the youthful exuberance but we also enjoyed each others company outside of the bedroom.  And we have grown together and have supported each other. I realize now, as many of the friends' relationships fell apart, that I really did get lucky. But until then I was actively "looking for Love".

    I've thought about the why of it all. Why is there this desperation in the young? Why is there this pressure to be "In Love" so young?

    Back in other eras the life expectancy was lower so people got married (or handfasted) early so they could raise a family. And have many children to help with the family business (merchant, farmer, nobility, etc.)

    Biologically, a young female is sought after because they are healthier and have many child bearing years, while the female usually seeks a mate that is stable and economically secure so they feel safe to start a life.

    Socially We are inundated with romance. It's in our movies and television. In our novels, comics, poetry, and music. Even stories that aren't centered  on Romance usually have romance because it makes the story richer and more meaningful.

    Psychologically many younger people feel confused and a bit lost. There are so many hormones rushing through the body. So many changes physically. And then there is this pressure to figure out what you want to be and which college to go to, when not that long ago they were simply kids. And on top of that general confusion of figuring out who you are as an individual, many young people come from broken homes (to one degree or another) and are searching for connection, intimacy, and belonging. They want to be wanted. They want a person who is home to them.

    Maybe some of these factor into it. Maybe all of them or none of them. I really don't know. 

    It just seems like there are a lot of really young people searching for some type of intimacy. Even the boys who are driven to physical wanting. Usually that is part of the need for intimacy that is acceptably manly.

    And I guess there is not much we can really do about it. Romance has been in our art and minds for centuries. The beetles said: All you need is love.  We strive to be part of the magic that is true love through our entire lives until we die. The only thing we can do is try to talk to our children. And to try to be a good example if we are lucky enough to be in a healthy committed relationship. And then hope that they don't get serious when they are too young. And know that they will probably get hurt, but hope they don't get their heart broken too badly. And hope that they have learned the difference between a healthy relationships and toxic relationships.

    And continue this trend of telling girls to look forward to more than a big perfect wedding day. Yes, they should enjoy their wedding day. They should want to join there lives with their best friend and lover someday. But they should know that there is more after that. That it doesn't end right after the wedding day like in a Disney movie (And they lived happily ever after...). That they should follow their goals or explore different options as they will have different interest as they grow and change.  Maybe not turn people off to marriage as less and less people are getting married today. But maybe teach them to wait until the "Honeymoon Period" is over to start getting to know each other with their masks off.

Again. This post is more my thought about this more than an answer to the questions. 

Do you remember when you were young? How did you feel about romance/love? Do you have ideas on what pushes the young to search for love? Have you noticed?