Originally I was going to try to just pick up where I left off and write about some Blog ideas that have been pickling in my brain.
Instead I decided to start off with a fizzle. And write a little about the last few months.
If you follow my blog posts, you'll see that I was going pretty good and then I needed to pull back a little in order to beat NaNo WriMo last year. I knew that if I tried to keep up my daily blogging and try to do my daily word count, I would fail. But I fully planned to pick up blogging again in December; maybe not daily but I could at least get a blog post up weekly.
But then the holidays came up and even though I wasn't working a day job yet, the stresses of trying to make Christmas nice for my kids kept me away from my computer. The more I stress, the more I clean my house. Or take naps.
My husband had missed quite a few days each week of his work but we at least had unemployment, until we didn't. So I started applying places and one of the local dollar stores needed a Asst. Manager (Which has as much authority as being a cashier--except I could handle the deposit money.) But they needed only nights and weekends, which might not be so bad except I get up with my husband at 4am when he goes to work and my kids have school. Just about the time they were finishing and he got home, I was leaving for the night. And I was never given any weekend days off--even when I requested a day. So--I didn't see much of my family and I wasn't making very much money. And also, Hubby's health issues got worse. The doctor's put him on medical leave until the end of this month so his money disappeared starting the end of January.
At my work place the usual manager took very ill and still has not returned because of her health, and her acting manager and another manager from a nearby store got a power trip and had a dislike for me for reasons I have only guessed (The previous manager they are trying to steal the store from hired me. The acting manager's BFF couldn't pass the manager test and I "took" her job. The BFF is psycho and tried to pick a fight with me the second week and pinned the blame on me to corporate and to her buddy acting manager. And maybe some other non-logical reasons) I really don't have solid reasons, but they were being passive aggressive and giving me extra work and stupid jobs that were near impossible to finish by closing time. They left snarky notes about what I didn't do or didn't complete and they talked shit about me to all the cashiers. I put up with it, even though it was draining and stressful. My husband was continuously telling me I needed to quit. The last straw happened when they harassed me and black mailed me to come into work against doctor's orders even though I had a note, they wrote me up. And because they were angry at me for calling off for the first time, they told the cashiers that they would be getting me out of their soon and planned to up their blame game to corporate so that every problem was my fault.
I finally got tired of their crap. I graduated from high-school (I shouldn't have to deal with it at work from supposed adults) over 20yrs ago and this job was not nearly as important or as enjoyable as being a hairstylist or a substitute teacher. Plus, they didn't pay me nearly enough to deal with the stress. For the first time in twenty years, I flat out quit my job instead of putting in my two-weeks notice because I had had enough.
The reason for this backstory/information dump (Which is a no-no in writing a novel, but is probably okay in blogging) is to show a little of the day-to-day emotional/mental stress that has been going on since New Year's. that doesn't include my husband's health issues or his multiple appointments. Nor does it include the sick elderly cats I have worried about or any of the financial crap.
Because of this, I have been exhausted. On my days off I oversleep and usually still take a nap. When I was awake and at home, I felt guilty about my laziness pertaining to housework and would kill myself to get all the basics done (dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, cleaning bathroom and a few loads of laundry) before I would have to go to work and haul around heavy boxes and stock shelves. My knees are stiff and painful and my shoulder issue has flared up. And as for critical thinking (in order to help my kids with their school work) I have been able to scrape out the dregs clinging to the bottom of my brain.
And creativity? During this past month it has been near impossible to find. I was inspired maybe 2 days since before New Year's to continue on my book and that was only a few pages worth each time. I have been reading some new authors and have at least been able to follow the stories and enjoy them. I have also been watching a few shows like Wanda-Vision and enjoy those as well, but when it comes to creating anything my brain is numb.
I quit last week on my daughter's bday. I still feel residual irritation or the feeling of being overwhelmed. I'm hoping the side effects of being at that negative workspace will wear off soon. My husband's health is still--meh. But at least we found out the spot on his liver is not cancerous. And some of the other things aren't as dark as they were, so maybe I'll get my groove back.
Part of getting in the swing of things is this blog. I took a shower got my favorite tea and sat down to write on here. And I plan to write some more of my story sometime today, even if it is only a few pages.
I have read some writing advice that says basically that it doesn't matter what's going on. Writing is a job and you can't call off work because you are sad. You have to write every single day. And I've tried to follow that advice. I've applied it to being a hairstylist successfully.
But there is something different about writing for me. I can't just write. When I'm emotionally and mentally tapped out, there's nothing there to use. If I get stressed enough, I stop feeling emotions completely. Thankfully, it's only happened a handful of times and I never feel upset about it. I logically know this is bad and discuss it with my husband, who takes it seriously. I haven't gotten that numb in a while, but there is a pervading numbness creeping through my brain. It's like the warning tingles you get in your foot before it's dead. Except with my brain (or heart if you would rather) My creativity goes hand in hand with my emotions and if they hide from the ugly of the world they take my muse with them until it is safe. Yes, I could probably write words on paper, but they would be stilted and mechanical. They wouldn't flow or have life and that's even if I could force my weary body to sit in front of the keyboard that long.
But the darkness is ebbing and cobwebs are thinning today. So today I blog and maybe write the next part of my book. And hopefully tomorrow it will be even better. I can always keep hoping.
Honestly, I am tired after writing this blog and will probably read my book for a while as I fight the urge to take a nap. Hopefully, after a rest I will be back here typing away on my novel.
How do you guys deal with stress, exhaustion, weariness and/or numbness if you get that way sometimes?
Do you follow advice and just write anyway or do you take time to recoup?
I'd love some advice or at least knowledge that I'm not the only one. I hope to hear from you.
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